Even A Photograph of A Smile Starts As A Negative (Anti-Stigma)

Something I really loathe, is the stigma towards mental health issues. As one who has been subject to it as well as an observer who has seen others suffer from it. It's something that makes it difficult for one to open up/seek help because people tend to prefer the quick path of judging someone for how they are compared to taking the time to understand what contributes and why? There's been a lot of times over the years that I've vented my share while saying it was simply because I felt plausible cause to be pissed off or saddened.

But a lot of times its been during my bouts with depression and bipolar disorder. In return? I've been told by those who favor the positive 24/7 types to "make a private personal Twitter where only you can see your posts", which basically translated to venting to no one at all while pretending someone was listening, which of course wouldn't be a healthy solution. A few times I've also heard "What you post about makes me not want to support your streaming channel", which is ironic given that the ones who said this supported those very same always positive types who in contrast may be such on social media, but completely ignore and disrespect their viewers while streaming. I'm not perfect and honestly? I won't pretend to be, nor do I want the 'support' of anyone who wants to only accept me when I'm sunshine and kittens but will treat me like the plague during my bad days. Yea, I don't bite my tongue and am open about my emotions on both social media and my Mixer channel and not everyone is a fan of it. But at least I don't deceive people with false light like a fucking angler fish.

While I don't consider having over 1000 follows a huge accomplishment compared to other channels? If I could reach that, start over from zero, and reach it again (though I'm currently trying to rebuild again after rebranding and rebooting last year, and I'm determined to get there) as well as rally people together to help me raise over 1k for Extra Life? I've done something right at least by being myself in every emotion.

Those who've come by my streams that have got to know me beneath the mask can vouch that I act accordingly and am either an angel or an asshole depending on how you treat my viewers or myself.

I'd simply rather be transparent and put who I am out there for people to like or not up front and have few people accept that over saying only positive shit all the time to gain popularity as something I'm not for people who honestly don't give a damn about me, only hanging around expecting a boost for themselves. In all, no stigma towards mental illness is going to make me any less a human being just because people think they can just 'cancel' other people's moods that they don't like.

My worth isn't decided by someone's dislike of my words at moments of weakness or their inability to look past my tweets and know me either on or off stream on a more personal note. If anything my worth is decided by me and the people in my life who have spent enough time around me to truly decide if I'm of worth to them. Moral to this rogues is that mental affliction or not? We all handle hardship differently.

Me? I may complain about my issues but I also always face my troubles head on along the way which is better than when I self harmed for 13 years and almost committed suicide. I work out, game, write, read, listen to music, and at times meditate so I have contingency plans for when fate comes along trying to kick my ass.

And for anyone who wants to judge my moments of weakness? I'm much better off than I was 8 years ago and at least I've never resorted to drowning my troubles in drinking and drugs to pretend my problems don't exist. And that is with everything currently on my plate that I've both spoken about to people as well as things I have kept to myself.

That said? Not everyone has the strength to be strong and it took me a long time and a lot of mental fortitude to be even remotely ok enough to be able to do something as simple as shave without thinking of taking the razor to my arm.

Fact is, its completely human to feel negative and its ok to want to talk about it, as long as you make sure you grit your teeth and keep going and don't do anything drastic. And fuck anyone who tells you to be quiet if you can't be positive. A sad fact is that lots of those who commit suicide every day are those who seem positive and are quiet about just how bad off they are. Never let anyone make you feel less human for having natural human emotions you were born with. We don't get to decide coming into existence but we do decide what we do with our one existence we get.

When you have a 1 in 400 trillion chance of being born and beat those odds? No one who doesn't know your struggles has any business telling you to keep things bottled up. And anyone who lives a life thinking others shouldn't show or talk about their pains is the one who has a 1 in 1 chance of being the same negative thinker they chastise others for being.