My Experience With Mob Cyberstalking And Naming Those Involved (Screenshots Included)

My all time favorite movie is The Crow.

The premise to it is that a man is murdered and loses everything he loves (specifically his fiance who he was going to marry the following night on Halloween) with him eventually rising from the grave to set things right.

Though in a vastly different context, here I am sharing something in common with my favorite movie.

In advance, to anyone who may read this and take the time to hear my side compared to those who heard only the other end before casting judgment? I want to say thank you as well as apologies for the how long this is going to be.

Also, I know that some may read this and unfollow me on social media or whatever because they may know those involved personally and will chose to keep taking their side. They likely may not even read the whole thing due to not wanting to see the truth. If that's the case then do as you please. But whatever the case I'm done being silent about something that I never should have been silent about, more so given that this is something that's happened often in the streaming community in different degrees of seriousness, though I feel my experience was one of the more severe concepts that I could only hope no one else has to ever go through.

Previously I've spoken in some degree or another about events I endured on Mixer in late 2017 (back when I went by the name ApexRogue) in the form of cyberstalking and attempts at gaslighting me. Mobbing, mass harassment, a showing of how cruel those with clique mentality can be, however you look at it, I was targeted by not one, but a group of individuals.

I made mention of me having screenshots of it to show what really happened compared to what was said with my side left out by those who attacked me.

However one thing I publicly left out from social media when I've shared those screenshots at a few rare points in the past was the names of those involved, because regardless of the hell they put me through? I honestly didn't want to cause harm to them and thus hoped that eventually everything would just pass and people would forget the whole thing, hopefully through finding out on their own what the truth was with what bit I did share of my side being enough to make some difference in that while not exposing anyone outright.

That and also I'm fully aware of how common it is for those who are popular be they a partnered streamer or not (and not even exclusive to the stream community) to be defended even when the truth of things they did gets put out there.

"I know them and they wouldn't do something like that" <--- sound familiar?

This whole ordeal (or specifically two incidents that culminated in a much worse third ordeal) caused damage to my name with this all starting because I stood my ground against a few individuals that thought that their popularity (and in a few cases, partner status) put them above me and that I'd just bow down and kiss their asses.

So here we are a few years later and I've still been struggling to rebuild my stream community (small as it was) that I lost and have had people I used to be close friends with prior to the ordeal ignore me to this day with it feeling heavily like I've been blacklisted in the stream community all because I stood up for myself.

I look back and think about the fact that I shouldn't of been so civil, shouldn't of been so timid and worried about the well being of people who not only wanted the worst for me and to destroy my dreams but had likely preyed on my kindness in the aspect of knowing I wouldn't retaliate.

I should of spoke up then and there because they didn't deserve my compassion, namely given that one of them especially targeted other content creators before me and likely has continued to after me (even doing so just to get to me in regards to both people I cared about and those I had never even met).

I'm just not content with sitting back having this thought in my head anymore that I could of spoke up sooner and protected not just my name but kept others from going through it. I didn't give up after all of what happened (though I came close), but I hate knowing I likely wasn't the last one and someone else may of been pushed to quit streaming by an evil person and people they were aligned with who caused one of the worst weeks of my life.

So before we get to the subject at hand, a little backstory on me for those who don't know me.

As I stated above I used to go by the handle of ApexRogue. Unrelated, but my reason for rebranding was because for some reason people kept thinking I was affiliated with the Rogue esports team. I originally used the name when I did let's plays ages ago on YouTube but rebranded to Masquemare to put a stop to that.

Masquemare is portmanteau of Masque (an alternative spelling for mask which is based on my interest in masks) and nightmare (a hint at my love for horror games/movies/etc)

I started streaming in 2016 on Twitch and a few months after I switched over to Beam, which I admit was partially due to a girl I admired being one of my first true supporters as a streamer, and so I went over there due to her being there and encouraging me to come check it out.

I felt at home due to how much streamers and viewers there supported each other regardless of what they played or what system they streamed from. Along the way I raised $1000 for Extra Life within a year of Beam becoming Mixer as well as managing to hit over 1k follows. Not a huge amount of growth on there in the grand scheme of things but regardless.

Things changed when Beam was bought by Microsoft and became Mixer, so being a PC (and eventually Nintendo Switch) streamer I got frustrated with the quickly growing Xbox biased viewerbase on the site or more specifically, having viewers constantly come in and say 'pc or xbox' and then leave when I said PC. Overall my frustrations were due to those who treated the site as an Xbox LFG site and a growing departure in the concept of equal community I fell in love with on there.

At first I just put the words 'PC ONLY' up on my stream overlay as well as in my stream title and tried to deal with it but then eventually closed down my Mixer page and went back to Twitch. I was outspoken on a lot of this which I feel earned the ire of those on the site who relied on how so much prioritized the Xbox (some of who were involved in harassing me) though the fact of the matter is that I didn't want things to be unfavorable for those who did Xbox content but simply to be less divided and fair grounds for discoverability again, this being a reason why so many had left Twitch for Beam/Mixer to begin with.

Over time I alternated between Twitch and Mixer (managing to get back to 1k from 0 on the latter when I came back) due to truly wanting to believe in Mixer's claims of wanting to become more equal grounds again but continuously feeling let down while also putting time into making multiple guides for new streamers that I've posted here on this website to help out those just starting, namely using mistakes I've seen others make (including my own) as well as advice I've taken in from fellow streamers who mentored me a bit starting out.

I also tried to assert a focus of raiding channels with less than 200 follows on Mixer due to seeing so many bigger names on there only do so for others with lots of follows and active viewers they could gain from. People who didn't need support as much as those putting out great content but getting overlooked because they had few retentive viewers (which doesn't mean a streamer is bad in content delivery just as a streamer having hundreds of viewers doesn't always mean they're a positive influence).

My raids may not of been big but I wanted to at least do my part to show those with less growth than me that they weren't alone and to keep at it because there were people on the site looking out for them and wanting to give them a chance.

A few weeks before Mixer's shut down (amid a lot of controversy given how they did so after many sexual assault allegations were brought to light among other things) I went back to Twitch for a bit and took a hiatus for several months as I waited on a site called Glimesh to launch.

Things were ok there for a while with me even doing my first charity stream on there since 2017 last year (the incidents that this blog is going to primarily focus on caused me to hold off for a while due to concerns that drama would be brought up during any events I attempted) and successfully raising $1000 for suicide prevention and mental health awareness through To Write Love On Her Arms which was a goal of mine since I first started streaming. I left Glimesh however due to clique mentality among some staff with favoritism they showed to some streamers on the site.

I went to Trovo, was disappointed, and left. Currently I'm multistreaming to both Twitch and YouTube.

A lot of my hopes are that YouTube will implement more features that are beneficial to streamers such as panels and a way to show one's schedule in a more noticeable way other than posted it in a banner or in the about section.

With all that aside, I'd like to go ahead and get to the point of this whole thing, though to give a warning, there's a lot to unpack and some of this may be triggering (specifically to those who have struggled with suicidal tendencies or have had their own share of harassment in the stream community) so be it if you have to take a break and come back or simply can't finish it at all? I understand and appreciate you trying to hear me out regardless.

Also in advance, while I will be sharing the names of those directly involved, several names will be removed in regards to those who were either targeted as well or who had tried to defend me at the time. Regardless of if I still associate with any of those in question or not I'd rather not have them face any backlash over things they either didn't have to get involved in for my sake or were pulled into involuntarily.

Anyways, this begins with the first of the two aforementioned incidents that lead up to a much worse ordeal.

So as I've stated, everything happened in my time on Mixer and more specifically, within my a year of me first starting streaming.

In that time I had met UnicornGaming who had become a regular on my channel and someone I considered a friend.

Well at one point I had got upset because I had been trying to promote an upcoming event for Extra Life on Twitter with never so much as a like from them, though that in itself isn't what upset me.

Around this time I had also posted an old selfie of me emphasizing that it was a fitness goal of mine. They gave a like to the picture which in turn led to me making a tweet about being frustrated about people liking the selfie but the same people not giving any kind of support to the charity event tweets. They unliked the picture and also unfollowed me on Twitter not long after which I feel was a little extreme compared to just talking to me about the ordeal and squashing it since it was a spat over a picture. I was upset but not to where I wanted a friendship to end over a selfie. Even so I unfollowed in return.

Now I'd like to take the time here to own up to being childish about that whole ordeal myself. My thing was that a picture of me wasn't as important as this charity event that meant a lot to me which compared to the one time selfie post? I had tweeted out about the charity event multiple times which I took as 'if you saw me post this picture once, then its likely you saw me post about the charity event'. Whatever the case I could of handled it a lot better on my end as well so that was on me.

What followed however is a different story.

When the charity stream rolled around, UnicornGaming came in during the stream and unfollowed. I saw this as very disrespectful.

Like why wait until a event dedicated to trying to help sick children was live to do so when they could of unfollowed at any other time before that, be it if I was streaming or not? So given how much this pissed me off I subsequently banned them on my channel, unfollowed them on Mixer, and blocked them on Twitter. Somewhere along the way they also blocked me on Twitter.

And even so, things only got worse from there.

So my thing is, if you have unfollowed someone on social media as well as their streaming channel, more so if you blocked them, that constitutes you no longer wanting anything to do with them as well as not wanting any notifications of their tweets, Instagram posts, when they're live, etc. In retrospect that means you have no reason to come by their streaming channel.

At the time I was using Scorpbot which had a feature that showed when someone entered or left your chat. I've always been about letting lurkers lurk and to this day I never call them out, but out of curiosity one night I turned it on during a late night stream.

During the stream (April 2017) UnicornGaming as well as two people they were friends with (DelusionalRaptor and Pitbullsrule) entered my chat within a minute of each other.

I reiterate that Unicorn had already cut ties with me on social media and my Mixer channel and I'm sure these two knew that we were no longer friends given how tight knit they were. What reason was there for all three of them to show up on my stream together?

This was one of multiple occurrences over the months where Unicorn entered my channel for a few seconds and then left with me feeling like they were trying to keep tabs on my slower growth in viewers and follows to talk about me to people in their community. I recall one of the nights they came by being the same day I had announced I had applied for partner on Mixer.

Thing is, at least I can say that whatever I did gain on Mixer was through me putting my personality front and center without trying to bait anyone. Maybe if they spent more time worrying about their own channel they could of figured out how to stay at the top of Mixer's front page without having to put 'giveaway every x number follows' in their title given that's what I noticed whenever I was scrolling for people to check out.

Whatever the case, we were no longer following each other and had each other blocked thus why be so concerned with what I'm doing at all?

June 2017

July 2017

October 2017 (with me dropping a subtle hint that I knew they were there)

There were also more instances of Raptor and Pitbull coming by.

As all this went on I collected screenshots of it and brought it up to people on my Discord server as well as to my mods in the event that either other members of my community started seeing them in their chat or if things escalated on my own channel respectively.

Whatever the case, the incident creeped me out and left me paranoid when honestly it should of all been left off at unfollowing me and then just moving on. There was literally no reason to act like this.

I also had one individual tell me I should just turn the feature to see who entered or left off and to just ignore those stalking me while making it out like I was the one in the wrong for speaking out about it, which didn't help matters.

It was an unwanted repeated occurrence of someone I wanted nothing else to do with coming by under likely pretenses that they were doing so unseen instead of simply minding their own business and focusing on their channel. There have been times that streamers being stalked have found out that an obsessed viewer had come to their town trying to find them. I had every reason to be monitoring this for the safety of not just myself but my viewers who could also have been targeted (and in ways HAD been targeted as I'll explain further down), viewers who are MY responsibility to keep safe on my channel.

Here's a reality check in that regard.

Harassment and bullying aren't something that can just be ignored like it was in a pre internet world where all a kid at school had to do to get away from bullying was endure it until the bell rang. And while it was more than likely only a short reprieve until they had to go back the next day (unless officials actually did something about it) at least it didn't go past the grounds of the school unless the bully actively tried to follow the victim when they walked home or it happened on the bus.

Now all a bully needs is a phone and social media to share a video of that kid getting beat up for everyone to see (including people that don't even go to that school) even after the kid has gone home, giving them no escape from it with the bully no longer having to be physically present.

Its also not like it was before where someone having rumors spread about them was via in person gossip or over a phone, which being isolated only to one on one conversations or at the very least a small group, those words took a lot longer to gain any harmful momentum if any of it gained traction at all.

Since then, now all someone has to do is post a single tweet that a wide number of people across the world can see within a few minutes and it can ruin someone's life.

So telling someone to just "ignore it" when it comes to being harassed is honestly a terrible take, especially when you aren't going through it to know what kind of damage it's done.

There's a reason for me bringing up talking about it in my Discord other than being transparent about doing so which will be explained later in this blog as well.

So, second of two incidents leading up to the much worse ordeal.

I dunno what handle he may go by now, but another streamer I had befriended on Mixer was ChillZone PC who rebranded to SoChill in the time I was friends with him.

I streamed with him a few times and overall I enjoyed his company when he came by my channel.

Then I noticed a change after he got partnered with one example being when he came by one night while I was live and bragged about being on the Mixer front page with over 200 viewers.

If he had done so in a DM or whatever that would be different, but this was while I was live which of course came across as self promotion. I found it rude and it was one of a few things that put a rift between us with another issue being that he started acting very selective when it came to me compared to a few mutual friends of ours.

One thing led to another and we had a falling out with me noticing afterwards that members of his community were continuously coming by my chat when I wasn't even live, namely Milkyway01230123YT (who once again is an example of someone doing so with me being blocked by them on Twitter)

And RadicalGaming, who along with SoChill and MilkyWay not only did so multiple times a day for several days, but had also tried to join my Discord server and then tried to join again after being kicked before being banned outright.

Once again, someone not just leaving well enough alone after it was made obvious they weren't wanted somewhere and blowing a situation out of proportion.

There were also other usernames that used 'So' in their name in a similar fashion to SoChill (SoCena) and one who did a play of words for ChillZone's prior branding by calling themselves 'realChairZonePC' which also goes in hand with 'ILikeChairs'

There was also this odd occurrence that I originally found hard to tell if I was being defended or mocked by 'HotSheet' and 'LickMyTacoBurrito' (since I mentioned the whole fam not follows thing in my bio I feel it was the latter) but the way I see it, those who had come in and left before Hotsheet didn't say anything for a message to log their presence so how would they know those in question had once again been stalking my channel? More so suspicious is that they said this only a few minutes after which gave me the impression that they were either in on it or an alt created by one of those who had just been in there. Them saying <3 you (and if anything the message in general) also seemed odd since I never saw this name in my channel before. That said, I only watched one of the videos posted by LickMyTacoBurrito with it being a child telling someone to suck their ass from what I remember.

But after checking their profiles in this instance, what stood out especially is that SoCena and LickMyBurrito were hosting the same person on their channels at this time which to me was a giveaway that they were in the same group, maybe even the same person for all I know.

Once again I saved screenshots of the instances and gave people on my Discord a heads up about everything, namely my mods in case someone else questionable tried to join the server, though it got to the point where I just removed my Discord panel from my Mixer channel outright and made it a invite only server due to what came next.

While I was dealing with the fallout from above, like literally only a few hours after the harassment from SoChill's community first started and I did the aforementioned post on my Discord to warn people, I had had been losing a good number of followers on both Mixer and my social media. So to vent I DM'd a member of my Discord who had been a regular on my channel for a while and very supportive prior to all this.

And believe me, to this day I regret ever having CanadianKittieKat (who has rebranded multiple times since to names such as Pawsitive Furball and iPawsKat which I'm sure has been to try and cover her tracks after attacking other people) as a part of my community, because she is the primary one responsible for leading the aforementioned mob against me to cyberstalk me with her being the first one out of them to try and gaslight me.

And this is where it all began.

I also want to point out the message above somehow conveniently disappeared from my conversation history with her, which I'm sure she would try and say I did it (as someone else did in a similar fashion with one of their messages as I talk about later in this post) but as anyone who uses Discord should know, you can't delete another person's message in a conversation, only your own.

So I guess it's a good thing I took a screenshot right after I read it.

Now I want to say that even after what all she's done and the fact that she deserves not a single Care Bear's worth of kindness from me for the pain she's caused me, I made sure to edit out the bad experiences she stated that she had gone through. I also did the same with some of the names she mentioned who I either actually had no problems with (be it never in the past or we worked things out) or who she added in that I honestly had never interacted with at all (though I wouldn't be surprised if she went to them and pulled them into the situation given everything I'm going to be bringing to light).

Now to break this down.

She made a point to proclaim that she was going to side with those against me while also admitting she hadn't listened to all sides. Believe me, you're going to see this happen a lot.

She called me two faced because of "both my sides" on and off streaming. Now yes I've vented out how I've felt about things off stream including at the time speaking about the issues I've faced with other streamers and gripes I had about issues in the stream community in regards to content creators who put bad messages out there (and I'm not the only one who has spoke against such things), but otherwise I have always tried my best to not bring any of that to my livestreams even at times my viewers have asked me what's going on due to either reading something I posted on social media or that against my best efforts I just wasn't in as good of a mood as I tried to be on stream. Maybe I'd give a subtle idea of what was troubling me unless I felt a need to vent more but that's all. Its not two faced but instead knowing when to abstain as best I can from bringing my personal issues to a platform where my viewers should be my top priority in regards to entertaining them and trying to make them laugh.

The streamers she said I backstabbed were both those I mentioned above that continued to try and cause me problems after we fell out as well as a couple of partners that had tried to shove very bad advice down my throat (example, play a trending title as a "bait" game even if you don't like it so you can lure viewers in until you get big, then play whatever you want) and then proceeded to dick swing and act like I was beneath them.

Not going to share their names here since they didn't take part in everything at hand, but I'm not going to take "advice" from one person who constantly put "drop raids here" in the title of most of their streams as if they were entitled to being raided above anyone else, even though they had thousands of followers and at times well over 100 concurrent viewers compared to smaller creators who actually could benefit from raids more, who would treat those viewers as people and not just numbers towards their paycheck and ego.

Nor was I going to listen to another who implied that they got partnered on Mixer from "connecting with just the right people" while I have been busting my ass for years to earn my way legitimately without sucking up to get anywhere.

The folders in question had nothing to do with venting or coping let alone "everyone" I had "bad blood" with. I've had issues with multiple streamers yes, and once again I'm not the only one who has had caustic experiences with other channels and at times as I've explained above its been me distancing myself from someone who changed in ways that I could just no longer align myself with. But most of those streamers did what others in question here could of learned from and just left me alone while I did the same in regards to them. Whatever happened between us, I respected them for doing the civil and mature thing and just moving on.

When I had explained to to those in my Discord (and by proxy, her) what was going on with the streamers mentioned above and their friends entering my chat after I had blocked/unfollowed/banned them and vice versa, I also made it known I had screenshots in said folders as precautionary measures in case things got worse and thus I would have evidence.

She then proceeded to bring my mental health into it (which is a sign of gaslighting in regards to trying to make someone question their sanity and thus reality itself). For clarification, I was already seeing a psychiatrist with the irony of it being that several of those visits then (and even recently) have been to quell the effects that all this (and everything to be shared below) have had on me psychologically, including a diagnosis of PTSD.

She tried to pull someone that was a mutual friend into it claiming they knew everything and were against me, yet when I spoke to him to get both sides (you know, the adult thing to do?) he not only said he had no idea what was going on but that she had also put a rift between him and someone else prior as well, which I picked up on as an obvious sign that this had indeed been a repeated occurrence with her.

Finally, she not only tried to use the fact that she was older than me as a reason to be right, but (in ironic fashion given she had said I try to make people feel bad for me) tried to undersell my own troubles as she dumped a bunch of her past trauma on me, even saying that I was just like one of the people in question that caused her trauma while at the same time doing to me the very things she said they did to her. She then told me she had followed those I'd had issues with and to go with her already stating she was "going" to hear their sides, she said she believed them over me regardless.

As a reminder this was said after I already showed those in my Discord proof that those in question were continuously coming by my channel when I'd made it obvious I didn't want them there, thus she herself already saw proof they were doing it and still sided with them.

If anything? While I did vent out how I felt about these things to her, she had no reason to go and side with anyone let alone announce to me she was going to do so. She could of left the Discord and excluded herself from the drama, but instead she inserted herself into it and caused things to escalate even more.

Before I continue, I made a blog here some time ago for people to read by their own choice if they want to listen to my story and understand what I've endured throughout my life and the effects its had on my mental health (and to warn here as well, the content in that entry may be triggering to those who've struggled with self harm, being victims of abuse, etc like me, so if you want to read it please take that to mind going in).

The point to me posting the link above is that people handle pain differently but even with everything I've been through such as abuse in my childhood, being treated as the black sheep by the vast majority of my family, my current living situation and so much else I haven't talked much about to anyone, I don't act like she has in regards to trying to tear people down, let alone do what was a VERY shitty thing on her part in regards to saying someone else's trauma is irrelevant because of whatever she went through.

Bluntly? While I feel for those who've had their share of suffering (because again, I've been there though in my own ways), no one gets to decide how someone else's past trauma has affected them and fuck you if you think you do.

I'm unable to work due to my mental health conditions and have been denied for SSI several times the past several years and because of that I'm stuck in a town that I hate while having to watch my mother who is in her 60's walk to work each day to provide for us. Also since December of last year we've had no hot water in my house due to a landlord who refuses to fix things (update: since this blog we moved from that house which is one silver lining)

I have no car, no place of my own, thousands of dollars worth of dental procedures I need (people have said I should do a GoFundMe but I refuse) and a worry that I'm going to end up homeless, which is why I've been so dedicated to my streaming pursuits in hopes that at some point it'll pay off because its something I CAN do as a possible career though I know my chances are slim. Streaming for me is also primarily a gateway to reach out to others due to barely having any friends in my town and also a means to cope with this VERY dire situation I'm in.

But even with the vast amount of things mentioned in that blog and above that I've had thrown at me, some of it being responsible for six chronic mental health conditions I'm going to have for the rest of my life (biploar disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, Aspergers, ADHD, the aforementioned PTSD, clinical depression) you won't see me telling anyone "you don't have it bad compared to what I've been through" because no person deserves to hear that and no person has a right to tell someone that when they aren't walking in that person's shoes.

I may have my moments where I can be a pain in the ass to deal with and I've def tried to get better about saying things I know aren't true such as "nobody gives a damn" while apologizing to those around me for times I've been at such low points mentally, but one's troubles are no excuse to go around and actively do the things she has done in regards to actively trying to hurt people with malicious intent.

So anyways, this of course wasn't the end of it. She left my Discord and blocked me everywhere so I couldn't reply to her while leaving this message on my Mixer chat, taking what was originally a matter discussed on my Discord privately about harassment I was facing and bringing it to a place I tried to keep as a drama free zone, all the while making a public showing of once again making it out like it was all in my head.

So once again, gaslighting tactic of trying to make me question my mental health while telling me to cease streaming. Which I of course didn't and kept doing my thing even as I noticed people leaving my Discord server and continuing to unfollow me on Mixer/Twitter/Instagram with my viewership to my streams declining also.

What hurt especially about this though is that prior to this I had been actively doing charity streams, so to see people just bail after that as if it all meant nothing and the good I did that I showed through my actions was completely outweighed by the bad that someone else only said about me?

It put me in a dark place mentally also on top of everything else, with me pushing away a lot of people due to it being much harder for me to trust people (including that girl that I stated had been the reason I joined Beam before and who I had gotten much closer to).

In that regard I own up to it being my fault that I lost some of my supporters even if it was influenced by stress from what I was going through in this situation. Not a day goes by that I don't wish I could look each of them in the face and say that I fucked up.

Now as all this happened, I saw a large influx of users had started showing up in my stream daily and primarily when I was offline, both partnered streamers and people I'd never heard of with them never saying anything and instead just entering and leaving. I also noticed CanadianKittieKat's mod Talonius started coming by.

Then there was this user who I never interacted with before, and yet they proceeded to target my mental health like CanadianKittieKat did. I banned them and from there they still proceeded to come back by my channel multiple times.

I had people who weren't even involved in this ordeal whatsoever messaging me because she had contacted them saying she was unfollowing them solely because they were friends with me, even trying to make it out like SHE was the victim.

Now keep in mind, this (among even worse things to come) is going on with her attacking someone she had called mentally unwell (and knew of my conditions) while claiming to be a mental health advocate which makes me sick. I know that not all streamers who call themselves mental health advocates are full of it, but she is the main reason why I've been pretty cautious when I see that someone has that in their Twitter bio.

Note that I kept her husband's name out of this because I don't think he ever had anything to do with it and of course I removed her email. I'd appreciate if no one looked up her page to find it.

As this happened, I got into a conversation with someone on my Discord server named Waldoisnthere. This exchange ended up causing a lot more complications for me.

So to give some perspective, this individual originally had stated that even though some of those I had fell out with (namely SoChill) were his friends, he was going to be unbiased in supporting me and them.

As I talked to him, he claimed that he was incapable of feeling emotions and thus was like a computer in that he had to 'calculate' what to feel, as well as asserting that he didn't make choices and had to calculate doing so as well. A few members of my community and my mods picked up on this and tried to point out the flaws in things he had been saying.

They used a road with a fork as an example with him saying he would go straight instead of left or right even if it meant going off a cliff (which btw is a still a choice).

After he started to defend SoChill and his community (leaning more towards the bias he claimed he would refrain from) one of my Discord members pointed out how he had said he felt no emotions and wouldn't be phased if any of his friends died with him stating he would have to calculate if he should care or not.

After saying he was interested in death (notice for future reference here that he brought it up first), the conversation (which I will say that part of the conversation wasn't saved though everything else will make up for that) turned to him claiming he had tried to commit suicide over 30 times with someone always being there to stop him as if he was on a constant 24/7 suicide watch. It was pointed out to him that if he really wanted to then no one could stop him given he could get on a plane and go somewhere else or drink battery acid. He countered by saying someone would be waiting at the airport to keep him from getting on a plane.

My take on that as someone who had spent several years of his life struggling with self harm and had came close to suicide 9 times (once being hospitalized under a suicide watch myself might I add) is that if someone is that much of a danger to themselves and possibly others, then they would likely be subject to some form of involuntary hospitalization where they would be deprived of anything they could use to harm themselves and be properly diagnosed and medicated.

That, compared to the unreliable (and hard to believe) scenario of letting someone freely roam around in society with no restriction of access to any method of acting out their suicidal (or possibly homicidal) thoughts, all while some all seeing clandestine group watches their every move 24/7 to be able to stop them before they do anything.

From here he got more confrontational (and as can be seen my mod to this point had been civil in asking him questions and listening) and implied that my mod wanted him to kill himself. My mod told him that he didn't want anyone to kill themselves and actually wanted everyone to strive to be better for the betterment of everyone (though I actually disagree somewhat given that in my opinion pedophiles and mass murderers don't deserve to have happy lives due to the lives they themselves destroy) and again was trying to point out the flaws in what he was saying, which given the contradictions already (and more to come) as well as how far fetched a lot of what he said was, it was honestly just hard for us to believe. Though at the same time we still wanted to take the time to listen and give him a chance to speak.

He also suggested my mod remove him from the server after accusing him of removing SoChill (who was never a part of the server to begin with), CanadianKittieKat (who left on her own after she verbally attacked me), and a friend of his who again had left on her own over a situation that had nothing to do with any of this (it was actually due to a discussion about the aforementioned Xbox focal path that Mixer had gone down with her thinking I and others who agreed with my viewpoint wanted it to be primarily for PC gamers, when we were trying to tell her we just wanted it to be more equal again). My mod stated that he didn't remove anyone.

What frustrated me here was how he was making it out like the dishonesty we felt towards SoChill and CanadianKittieKat was unwarranted even though those left on my Discord knew what they had done (and its pretty well established so far in this blog WHY we had every right to feel how we did).

He disregarded our reasoning as if SoChill didn't send members of his community to my channel (reminder that one of them tried to join the Discord and then tried to go against being kicked by joining again before begin banned) and as if CanadianKittieKat hadn't been dragging people uninvolved into our beef and outright trying to destroy my name.

From here Waldo tried to imply that my mod was lying about removing people from the server while also putting himself in the same lacking of emotions as a psychopath (which btw this is in comparison to someone saying that WE called him a psychopath which as proven here was never the case with no one even bringing that word into it until he did).

So it turned into a discussion on the emotional states and bloodlust of psychopaths with him saying they felt no emotions while my mod once again argued the point calmly with. It then went as far as him saying if he killed or hurt someone that he wouldn't feel it. I myself stepped back in after letting them talk for awhile and told him what I had also stated in this blog about my past struggles with self harm and suicidal tendencies as well as telling Waldo myself that none of my mods were responsible for those in question no longer being on the server. I was frustrated here due to it being a touchy subject for me because of reasons unrelated to my own history with self harm, but I still tried my best to keep my cool.

This is where things got volatile and contrary to him saying he didn't feel emotions, it can be seen that he was letting anger show.

Waldo proceeded to call us toxic while comparing us to the Ignited stream team on Mixer (more than once) as well as partnered streamers (sidenote. By this time Ignited from what I remember wasn't even on Mixer anymore and had moved to Twitch as an esports focal team)

He then said I brought others to ruin which he didn't agree with (irony in how this was brought on by him defending not just SoChill, but CanadianKittieKat who had been harassing me and trying to bring down my channel more than anyone else, plus once again, saying you don't agree with something is a choice, again in contrary to him saying he didn't make choices).

This is where a massive contradiction comes in.

So as I knew he would do given the way everything had been heading, he tried to make excuses for those who had been stalking my channel, saying they cared about me and felt bad for what they did (if they felt so bad why were they continuing to do it?).

However when I asked him if he talked to those in question to know what they said, he said that they always have known that I said they were stalking me.

Keep in mind that this was literally within a few days of the whole mess starting excluding everything that happened earlier in the year with UnicornGaming, so him saying 'always known' was another red flag for me that he was making things up due to making it sound like this had been happening for a longer time than it had been. Also if they had 'always known' I called them stalkers then why keep coming by my channel thus continuously exhibiting behavior coherent with stalking?

The contradiction in question I speak of however wasn't that. It was this.

Originally he said they felt bad for what they did and cared about me, implying that they were taking the blame, but then suddenly he claims they said I "need to grow up and grow balls instead of a toxic atmosphere that isn't allowed on Mixer", thus within only a few sentences he backtracked and implied they were blaming me and saying that I didn't need to be on Mixer.

Now how my testicular fortitude had anything to do with this is beyond me, but moving on.

So I didn't bite on that either and told him he didn't even know who all had been involved in this whole mess prior.

His response was a claim of having 6+ months of dirt on me (Which I found a bit coincidental given CanadianKittieKat at one point made a similar claim of having 9+ pages of evidence that I had been going into other streamer's chats starting drama, and yet for how much they wanted to bring me down, here we are a few years later and neither of these so crucial nest-eggs of negativity have ever come to light). When I pointed out that he hadn't even known me that long? He said he was lurking.

So, a couple things here.

First, if he had (though he hadn't) been lurking in my streams for 6+ months collecting supposed evidence of these oh so heinous crimes against my fellow streamers, then that right there is him admitting to stalking me himself. In this exchange he tried to make it seem like what I've called stalking has been people actually lurking but when a viewer has malicious intent in regards to continuously coming by a streamer's channel, especially when they know that geographically speaking, they aren't welcome there? That crosses the boundary between harmless lurking and actual stalking.

Secondly, at this time I had been tinkering with the bot MixItUp and typing a !joined command on him came back with this.

He had been on Mixer 7 months at that time, meaning going by his claim he joined Mixer and then only a month later just so happened to decide that my channel was the place to be to consistently lurk and collect evidence on me for things. The + in his claim even implies he had been on there longer than six months and well, contradiction there.

Whatever the case, finally found a use for this gif.

Jokes aside, from there he made a claim of a "mods center" of staff and volunteer moderators watching me and my mod's channels. My response of knowing some of the staff was because me and my mod both had befriended one of the staff members on Mixer who along with a few others had been trying to look into all this for us, thus we already knew that whatever staff that showed up in our channel were likely there to make sure things were ok. Be that as it may, this came across as a threat.

Waldo tried to blame how he was acting on talking about suicide for two hours. In regards to that he was the one who originally brought the topic up and at any time could of either said he didn't want to discuss it anymore which me and my server members would of respected, or he could of left the server at any time since he had made a point to suggest that my mods kick him multiple times (hinting that he didn't really want to be there) which they didn't do because aside from the fact that they wanted to let him talk as previously stated, they felt that he wanted to be kicked for a particular reason that's to be explained.

My mod once again brought up his claims of lacking emotions yet becoming unhinged and that though they discussed suicide all this time the context here is that he had made up a bunch of scenarios on someone somehow always being there to stop him when if he truly had the desire to do so, nothing could stop him except himself. He once again used the "calculate" claim and after I told him straight up that he was being confrontational because we refused to bend in regards to him defending those who were harassing me? He once again threatened me (and this wasn't the last time).

My mod then finally pointed out that for how he called us toxic, he was the one saying he didn't care about others with me informing him that I screencapped his threats. Shown here also is why he wasn't kicked due to my mods figuring he wanted it to happen so it could be used against us. As could be seen here we didn't get confrontational until he did.

So I said a few lines up that the threats didn't stop there.

Not long after, this appeared on my Mixer channel under an alt with it being obvious who it was as well as obvious what they were trying to emphasize compared to the more veiled threats on my Discord.

His main account had been banned from my channel so he used an alt to dodge said ban and post this, which given such was against Mixer TOS along with his obvious threats and harassment? It took lots of validity away from his threat given this "mod community" he kept bringing up as already explained supposedly included staff members that you figure wouldn't be too keen on someone breaking site rules. That and why would he WARN me about this supposed mod community that had me on some ban list and were watching me for if I screwed up?

I left the message up in the event that staff members who had been monitoring the situation needed to see it, but later that day I noticed it was gone and saw this instance of Waldo entering my channel again under the alt.

Yep, he came back in and deleted his message and after I brought it up on social media that it happened, he then went on to tell people that I myself deleted it and said he did to frame him.

So I guess I made the waldobutt account to send myself that threat too right? Because making an alt that could possibly be traced back to my ip would be smart -_-

Seriously, why the hell would I delete a threatening message that I received that could be evidence needed by Mixer staff? Be it if I reported it or not?

That being said, I'd also like to share this.

This was a message he sent on the Discord some time before the above conversation, or more specifically, two days before it (while several of the screenshots were timestamped as 'today' due to saving them after the conversation, this one labeled as 'Last Sunday' and the one labeled 'Last Tuesday' were saved the following week after I combed back through to make sure I had got these two particular bits.

Notice the shift in how he spoke through text then? As if he had emotions? And here he was saying he was concerned about someone being hurt, yet he told us he would have to "calculate" if he needed to care.

Then there is this from his Twitter (before he blocked me that night) which was around that same time period of the conversation. Quite a lot of exclamation points for someone who doesn't have emotions to convey.

In the end, from the time that Waldo made claims that I was going to get banned up to Mixer's shutdown, my account stayed active.

To this day I look back on that whole conversation and so much makes me believe it was a set up, namely considering that following this I learned that it had been put out there that me and my mods tried to get Waldo to kill himself which as I already showed above was not the case compared to us trying to get him to see how outlandish his words were, with he himself suggesting my mod wanted him to and my mod saying he DIDN'T want anyone to kill themselves.

As I also explained I stepped out of the conversation for the majority of the discussion about suicide and got caught up and talked again when I felt comfortable which also was when Waldo started getting expressively more volatile as he threatened me.

And yet after this word got out pretty quickly (I assume in the gap of time between Waldo leaving and posting his threat on my Mixer account) to CanadianKittieKat who had already left the server and yet acted like she was there to see first hand what was said as she herself tried to spread rumors that I and my mods tried to get someone to kill themselves.

Thing is, once again I've yet to see anything come to light from them where I or any of my mods told him to commit suicide. How quickly this conversation got back to her when she wasn't there is another reason why I feel like it was planned with her possibly telling him to do and say things to frame us (which would be another occurrence of someone doing something that they accused me of with this being in regards to his message that he said I removed to frame him).

Now before we move on, namely given some of what else is still to come (yea, we're not done yet) involves these rumors, lemme explain a few things.

First as I already said, I've lived a life where I self harmed for several years and multiple times came close to ending everything.

I've been clean from self harm for a long time now but from time to time I still struggle with thoughts of suicide and even in recent times I've reached that low point mentally at a few points where I considered it due to all this, though I know I'm too strong to ever act on it. I would NEVER wish such anguish on anyone.

And also, I want to share this

The obituary in that link? That was one of my best friends of over 10 years who hung himself. He was only 24.

Before I started streaming he was one of the few people who was there for me during those very dark times of my life where I wanted to die, with him constantly reminding me of my worth and treating me like a human being. I wasn't there to save him and there's been so many times that I wish I could go back and keep him from ending his life. His date of death? June 30th 2017, around six months before all this happened.

In other words while people were going around spreading this bullshit about me trying to get someone to kill themselves? I was dealing with the loss of someone I saw as a brother who had committed suicide and who I realized I would never see again.

See this?

When I raised that for To Write Love On Her Arms last year? I was doing so hoping that I could do for at least one person what I wasn't there to do for my friend. The very first donation to that fundraiser was my ex girlfriend who not only had been close friends with him herself, but at one point had tried to overdose on sleeping pills after troubles with her boyfriend at the time, with me sitting there with her until her mother could get her to the hospital. She survived and has gone on to be a great mother to a daughter.

But even though she survived and I survived, our friend didn't.

So to any of you who may of read this who either had spread those lies around yourself or believed that I would do something so depraved instead of getting MY side of all this, especially after experiencing it myself in multiple ways including JUST losing a friend to suicide that year?

Fuck you, and I truly hope you not only feel like shit for what you did but that you burn in hell, more so given contrary to her claims without actually being in the Discord to know what happened (since getting one side of a story is a common occurrence here) it was actually CanadianKittieKat who as I've said already was the one who pushed me to a point where I was suicidal and again all of her actions and intent to force me to quit streaming come with knowledge of me having mental health afflictions while claiming to be an advocate.

For the fact that so many of you were coming by my channel without saying a word, its safe to say you knew how to find me to get in touch with me directly. Let this be a lesson to not go off of someone's words until you hear both sides. I don't give a damn about "well I don't like him because someone else said this".

What I care about is YOUR problem with me from YOUR experience over that he said, she said bullshit.

Because to give you an answer it's likely you never had a single interaction with me, and so you solely went off what she and her supporters spread around instead of coming to me directly so we could of squashed it given its safe to say I have plenty of evidence of who was harassing who.

CanadianKittieKat does not speak for me nor who I am, now moving on.

So following everything that happened with Waldo, a member of my community at the time who was an aspiring YouTuber did a tribute video for me on his channel as a thank you for being so welcoming to him, which he didn't have to do but I was grateful for it regardless.

He posted the video, tagged me in a post for it on Twitter, and not even two hours had passed before people had jumped on it and started disliking it with one person going as far as to leave negative comments about me on the video.

Again, someone who had nothing to do with any of this getting targeted for no reason other than being associated with me, which honestly pissed me off a lot more than people coming after me personally.

As I've said earlier in this blog, my viewers are my responsibility when they are on my channel. Given all of this, I've already admitted that my viewership on my streams is nowhere what it used to be, but I've always been protective of them which I honestly feel was a reason they kept getting targeted, because those coming after me knew they could get to me through them.

VarioWario took the route of going after my viewer first instead of coming after me directly.

So I admit I laughed when I first read the initial comment years ago because for one, there was a running joke between me and my community members because it was an often occurrence for people to call me 'Rouge' instead of Rogue by accident. I recall one of them saying I should just put the mask I used as the symbol for my channel on Rouge The Bat from Sonic The Hedgehog and make that my branding. Secondly, here someone was trying to deface my name and it became literal as they did a better job of defacing the actual text of my name than me as the person behind said name.

Jokes aside, they said I insulted a great (the screenshots in this blog says otherwise) group of people for the views which is honestly a redundant statement to make given that would honestly get the opposite effect in regards to someone growing and overall they made this out like I only cared about myself. They also brought up the situation with Waldo which (once again) they were not on my Discord to see what happened. This was one of multiple occasions where people said that he had been pushed to depression by us when again, he claimed to us that he couldn't feel emotions and as I already showed he had got confrontational with us after he took up for those harassing me. Also once again if it really were the case that the conversation was triggering for him he could of left the server at any time or at the very least told my mod they didn't want to discuss it anymore.

Before I could respond (I had something lengthy lined up as you'll see) someone else who themselves had (understandably) left my Discord due to the drama going on being too much to handle actually went to check the video out themselves and spoke out when they saw the comments. This person is also someone who had struggles with suicidal thoughts and himself knew that I wasn't about preying on others dealing with such.

So going down to the end here, "this does help to point out that Apex is the one in the wrong once and for all".

I reiterate that the amount of screenshots I've shared in this blog and will be continuing to share says otherwise.

I responded here with a lot of the things I already talked about so read and move onward if you like (though I want to clarify that me calling them a snake is because in one of their comments they called me 'The Snake of Mixer')

Their reply.

Now I feel like I don't have to explain all the flaws in this reply from them, but here we go.

They called me a stalker for collecting screenshots of people. Again, they were banned from my channel, blocked on social media, many of them had blocked me as well and yet THEY were coming onto MY channel still so of course I'm going to keep an eye on them and collect screenshots. Lets say someone gets a restraining order on their ex and while they are at home they see that ex on their front porch looking through their window. A picture of this ex is taken as evidence that they are coming around. You gonna call the one who got the restraining order a stalker?

That aside, this person went on to say they had never been on Mixer (thus was going by only one side of everything and hearsay out of bias towards their friend without even seeing firsthand what had happened not just on my Discord, but on my channel) and even listed others as toxic by default just because they streamed on Mixer while saying that people who streamed there should stay off YouTube.

A lot of what I took from this? "I've never been on Mixer to know why I hate it but I'm gonna hate it".

Also the irony of saying I never thought of my viewers (again how would they know anything about the connections with me and my viewers when they had never watched any of my streams nor even spent time on Mixer?) yet there I was on a video that one of my viewers did for me, having just told them that he had nothing to do with it and thus should not of been pulled into it. Also its kind of asinine to call evidence invalid when you just said you have never been on the streaming platform where the evidence I collected was sourced from and thus is waaaay more valid than taking one person's side because they are a friend you refuse to hold responsible.

I went off again.

Now in this last exchange here the same with every other one, not once did I call them names (other than the snake metaphors and returning their proclamation that I was dumb)

But that aside we once again had another occurrence of my mental health being targeted.

I thought with that remark that this was CanadianKittieKat under an alt, but the difference in how they typed made that debatable, namely since when I mentioned them typing similar to someone else before, it was someone else who commented on my Twitter. However given this person knew of the folder of evidence I had on those harassing me, for all I know either CanadianKittieKat was behind this and the alt from twitter, or she told this person about the folder.

Either way, this person talks of her friend being hurt mentally, but its ok to target someone else's mental health while saying they need to be locked up in a mental institute (which if this was CanadianKittieKat, once again that makes her claims of being a mental health advocate even more hypocritical and if it wasn't her? She still aligned herself with people like this) She also told me I didn't belong on any platform and proceeded to state that she would continue to harass me even if Waldo told them to stop and that I should set my pages to private if I didn't want them viewing it.

Another thing I want to point out is all the times so far that those involved in this put quotes on the words stalking and stalkers as if to make it out like that's not what was going on, yet every one of them as I've shown had done exactly that by either keeping tabs on my social media, coming back by my channel when they've been banned, sending others to spy on me, etc.

So lets get this out of the way.

Stalk definition: Pursue or approach stealthily, aka what those in question did given they frequented my Twitter page (as this individual admitted to and of course did in succinct fashion to comment on my viewer's video, given that was the only place he posted it and had tagged me though I'm sure they followed him since he frequented my channel and saw his tweet directly) knowing I wouldn't be able to see them, the same with my Mixer channel with them not knowing I had a bot that showed me they were there (and several of those involved suddenly showed up a lot less if at all after they found out).

Now in regards to cyberstalking and mobbing, three forms of it are monitoring one's online activities and encouraging others to harass the victim as well as false victimization (claiming the victim is doing the harassing).

Sound familiar?

Anyways, I responded one last time (though I admit I got mixed up on what they had said about the mods which wasn't anyone claiming to be a mod but me or one of my mods yet again being accused of removing the threat Waldo left on my Mixer channel) making it very apparent that their attempts to scare me failed.

After I told him to do so for his own safety, my viewer deleted the video later but up to that point I didn't see any replies (though he made sure I collected all of this first before he took it down)

Another thing btw is that as you saw, it was brought up multiple times that my one Discord mod was the primary one being blamed for Waldo's apparent state of mind and yet they kept attacking me.

That mod had invited them to talk to him about the ordeal afterwards to try and squash it, but instead Waldo and the others who had accused him not only refused but blocked him as they continued to come after me, which I feel was because they saw me as an easier target, namely from considering me mentally more vulnerable after already being chipped away at by several others over the previous few days.

Look how that worked out. Safe to say that my mod wasn't the one they needed to be afraid of.

We're in the home stretch of this screwed up roller coaster so bear with me.

In regards to what this next (and last) series of screenshots comes from, I got a message while live one night from a fairly new streamer saying to check my Discord which I paused my stream to do.

He had put himself at risk (which I didn't tell him to do) by getting in the good graces of CanadianKittieKat and talking with her from December 4th (the day after she tried to gaslight me before proceeding to attack me more aggressively) to December 8th. During this he said cruel things about me to get information from her on what she was doing (notice where he stated that she had made multiple accounts and had been bashing other streamers, the latter being the very thing she was calling me toxic for) and well, I'll let you guys read the whole exchange.

So recap of things there.

She initially DM'd him on Twitter out of the blue telling him to block me. Again, someone that wasn't involved in our beef (prior to him playing along to help me) so who knows how many others she went to doing this exact same thing (though it gives an idea of why I rapidly lost follows on Twitter and Mixer).

Says I was belittling other streamers, yet I was told by this particular streamer that she had been doing that herself (and lets be real, that speaks for itself at this point).

She once again tried to use the "they want to help him" excuse for those who refused to stay away from my channel after it was obvious I wanted nothing to do with them.

Tells him to unfollow two people I was associated with because they were "brainwashed" by me so targeting people other than me purely by their association with me here as well.

One of my mods came after CanadianKittieKat himself to point out the flaws in what she was doing (which you can see she refused to see his point, and said he was brainwashed by me as well).

She outright admitted to having people lurking in my channel watching my streams as well as my vods in hopes of finding anything they could use to report me (which I knew of course from both those who had been involved in all this showing up in Scorpbot as well as seeing the views on my vods increase after this all started). The fact that she said the people she had watching my channel had "noticed his name" also backs up my belief that they were targeting anyone who came by my stream for extended periods, more so given she had messaged him telling him to unfollow me after she was told he was in my channel.

Claimed I was jealous of streamers bigger than me, which to clear this up, my issue in regards to bigger streamers as I've been outspoken about isn't ALL bigger streamers (plot twist, I've been friends with a few partners and other streamers larger than myself) but those who treat their viewers solely as numbers and are rude, yet get treated like royalty when there are so many small yet friendly content creators that get overlooked and treated like they don't belong just because they have low numbers, hence why in my time on Mixer I tried to raid those streamers smaller than me. It wasn't a matter of being jealous of others bigger than me but being genuinely pissed at how they acted like they were above others in regards to entitlement and wanting to only acknowledge those they could clout chase off of. I'm by no means whatsoever the only person in the stream community who feels this way.

Also said I was jealous of people following others who are more positive and helpful, which honestly was the pot calling the kettle blacker than Noob Saibot covered in tar and standing in an eclipse (Mortal Kombat joke) given she claims to be positive and kind to everyone, obviously isn't, is NOT a mental health advocate like she claims due to intentionally preying on the mental health of others, and she herself has attacked not just me but other streamers who have tried to be genuinely helpful and friendly to others (not to brag but I haven't seen her do any guides for new streamers like I have on this very website and hatred isn't what raised those funds in my charity streams).

Claimed that people were going to the Mixer founders to get me permabanned (who I'm sure had much more important things to deal with than a bunch of high school level drama that she was instigating, which btw spoke loooooads about her claims of being so mature because she was five years older than me) Also why would they be going to the Mixer founders given Waldo's dreaded "mod center" already had me on the "ban list"?

Said I was responsible for streamers leaving Mixer because of my "bullying" and giving up streaming (once again, I have yet to see any of the evidence that she or Waldo claimed to have of me going into anyone's chat's on Mixer and attacking them and if anything I learned that some streamers had left Mixer because of HER)

And admitted that there was an "army" ready to attack me and said that I was right in a lot of people being against me (yea of course they were given its already been shown she had went around messaging people vilifying me). I also know some who were against me felt such a way because I was speaking out on shady things in the stream community that they were involved in.

Now given he had shown me the screencaps of their conversation during my livestream, the last bit comes from the fact that during this she was in my chat at the time so she lashed out due to realizing what all I had on them now (to go with everything else shown which I'm sure she had no idea I had collected).

I told him I wasn't worried about it during the stream (due to all the screenshots I already had about the Waldo ordeal and other things as well as what he gave me) which got the response from her in kind as the pot once again called the kettle black and then fell off the stove of her glass house, given everything SHE did was beyond grounds of cyberbullying, cyberstalking, gaslighting, etc.

Admittedly I found a lot of entertainment in how karma hit her here given for how she was going around badmouthing me to others to ruin me? It was her own words that gave me all this to expose her.

As soon as this happened I noticed the amount of viewers in my stream decreased dramatically and moving forward the views on my vods for future streams decreased as well.

For how toxic they said I was, and for how hard they were pushing to get me banned, why lose that resolve if everything they said about me was true? Why fear what I had on them when I had a whole "mod community" watching me with them having sooooo much evidence of me attacking other streamers which would render whatever I had against them null?

Following this however, the streamer here who helped me had his account suspended (though he got access again) because CanadianKittieKat and her community submitted over two dozen false reports for racial comments (if only Mixer addressed the racism apparent with one of their staff members prior to their shutdown like this), which given how swiftly they seemed to act in unison? It only confirms more so that CanadianKittieKat had experience in organizing this kind of isolated mob attack on people, though I honestly feel what may of kept my account from getting banned is that me and my mod's told the staff what was going on in advance.

But lets not forget rogues, I was the toxic one according to her.

Irony aside, does this mean CanadianKittieKat left me alone? No.

After I left Mixer and went to Twitch in 2018, she appeared in my chat over there as well (notice the T by her name which coincidentally enough now had a slight rebrand) 7 months later, showing she still hadn't let it go.

This was also the same exact day I announced on Twitter that I was going back to Twitch and given she was blocked on everything (with good reason of course) this meant either someone else told her what I was doing or she was still actively working around said blocks to seek me out herself through alts and I wouldn't be surprised if she went around telling people I was gone from Mixer, possibly taking credit for it by saying she ran me off.

As I stated at the beginning of all this, the occasions where I left Mixer for Twitch were due to the Xbox favoritism and other gripes with the site itself. Nothing in regards to her or anyone else running me off. After how much they put me through in trying to get me banned there was no way I would give her or anyone else that satisfaction, though given she got what she wanted in that I was no longer on the platform even if on my own terms and caused so much damage to my name, why pursue me somewhere else?

Again, she said no one was stalking me and attacked my mental health when I spoke out about it and yet did the same thing she called me unstable over, but there's another more serious issue with this.

It goes without saying, but the whole "all in your head" attitude is the exact reason why people in more dangerous situations have lost their lives after someone stalked them obsessively and killed them, because their situation was brushed off by those around them.

This kind of attitude is also why you have kids in school getting bullied with nothing being done about it because people don't want to believe them, either blaming it on them directly for whatever reason, siding with the bully out of bias while knowing the child being attacked is innocent, or saying they're making it up with it ending in a child committing suicide because it got so bad.

So in regards to her, at the start of this she talked about being "stronger against people like me" when she's the very monster she tried to call me.

I've spent 20+ years stuck in a town where I've had to get stronger against people who have looked down on me constantly in the exact same fashion as all of this because of how I look and other reasons, and at two points I almost lost my life due to the harassment turning deadly (with the scars on my back and some on my arms to show for some of those occasions), so as far as all this is concerned she can get in line.

Namely given that this is what happens when that quiet outcast in the corner at school finally hits the bully back (even if it took a few years to finally do so) though in this case its not a matter of underestimating how hard that quiet kid could hit physically, but underestimating both how intelligent they might be and how how much resolve they have to keep going against the verbal and mental abuse.

Even though its been made VERY hard these past few years by the large amount of defamation done to me and feeling blacklisted by so many in the stream community who didn't ever come to hear my end of it.

So moral to all this rogues? There's two sides to every story and if you read only one half of book and make your own conclusions on how the rest of it goes? You're going to be wrong about the ending.

Speaking of stories.

To those who watched my D&D livestreams for my first campaign before it all got cancelled and I removed it from my channel?

The Adventure of Buster Blake, well now you all know where the inspiration for the backstory of the campaign truly came from.

My character (Buster) was thief, an outcast of society who took from those who were wealthy and tried to give what he could to those who had a lot less and thus tended to be unfairly forgotten.

Three years before the story began his coven was almost entirely destroyed by a cruel individual and in the process a lot of members of it were lost with his closest friends and his girlfriend having vanished. He spent three years fighting to survive on his own without them though he eventually reunited with those friends and that girl as they fought to rebuild what was lost.

Those unfairly forgotten people were those in the stream community that didn't have a lot who I wanted to help.

That coven my character wanted to rebuild was the community I had with those in it lost being everyone who left when this first happened.

Those close friends? My closest supporters and mods that I admittedly pushed away because of how fucked up my mind got from all of this.

My character's girlfriend? The girl I've mentioned multiple times in this blog who even though we never dated? I screwed everything up that I DID have with her because of the dark place I went to, so that character was dedicated to her to her due to how good she had been to me.

Only compared to those close friends and his girlfriend eventually finding him again, I'm without those who were the inspiration for them irl.

Yea, as someone who has always been passionate about storytelling both in the games I play for my livestreams and in the book I've been writing, my D&D campaign though it never reached its conclusion, was in a way me putting my heart and soul into the story of the campaign as a tribute to the times I had before with those I loved before it was all destroyed, with me wishing it never ended and that I had a chance to ask that girl out.

I miss the constant multiplayer streams, movie nights on Discord (though these days I'm on Guilded) seeing them laughing at my horrible puns during my streams and the late night/good morning texts with her while we also constantly sent each other pictures of pizza (it was just a silly random thing we did but I cherished it).

Whatever the case, this was all a massive clusterfuck that snowballed out of hand and could have been avoided if those in question in each situation prior to what CanadianKittieKat started from it had simply accepted being unfollowed/blocked and moved the hell on while focusing on their content instead of harassing someone that (me saying this about myself here) was completely irrelevant to their own channel, though in regards to her I'm sure she would of found or made another means of throwing me under the bus.

But seriously rogues, if you've been unfollowed by someone and blocked, don't make alts to stalk their social media, don't go by their streaming channel, don't send other people to spy on them for you. Leave them alone and let it the fuck go. As can be discerned from all of this, no one wins.

Also in regards to CanadianKittieKat, this whole thing is a prime example of what happens when you run your mouth without seeing each end of an ordeal instead of staying the fuck out of it. If I knew the kind of person she was at the start I would never of let her into my community.

And again, all this started because I stood up for myself.

I reiterate that I look back and regret that I didn't speak out on all this sooner instead of being far too civil for what those involved deserved, because this is over four years of my life that I'm never going to get back and I think of how different things could have been if I put my foot down then.

How much damage to my name could I of mitigated? How much better could things of been for me in regards to turn outs for my streams and just moving forward as a content creator?

Would I of been able to save friendships with those I lost to all this and the stress it put me under?

Would I of been able to fix things with that girl I had a shot with that made my trip to Beam even more worth it?

Far fetched as it sounds, could I of even reached a point with my streams where I was making at least somewhat of a living to move out of this fucked up town and have at least some aspect of the life I want? Who knows?

Yea I regret not coming out with all this in full sooner because so much could have possibly been different these past few years but I don't regret standing up for myself at all against people who think that a sub button or popularity in general gives them a right to look down on others.

People that target your mental health and try to make it out like you're the problem as they gaslight you.

People who bring those you care about into it.

People who try to strike fear into you with claims of having "9 pages" or "6+ months" worth of evidence where you attacked other streamers that don't exist.

People who expect you to just break and give up.

So yea maybe things could have been different if I did this sooner, however things aren't different.

But that doesn't mean I can't move forward and keep pushing towards my goals because at the end of the day I know who I am as a person and as a streamer. I know that I'm good enough and where my heart stands and there's not a single person who can change that or my intent to pave my path forward by continuing to bust my ass.

I have the potential to hit my next milestone on Twitch (200 follows) and go beyond that.

I have the potential to hit my next milestone on YouTube (600) and not only go beyond that, but also become a YouTube partner.

Along the way I'm going to get back to my charity fundraising once again and maybe finally get more audience usage for Streamloots from my viewers again (maybe even finally earning my partner hoodie along the way).

And who's to say I can't make some of the other partnerships I'm interested in happen?

With all this talk of shooting forward in my pursuits, do I expect everything to just be better now? Honestly? No.

I don't expect to just wake up tomorrow and have any kind of semblance of normality in how things were before all this happened and tore everything apart, nor do I expect to just magically have everything be in place for me to make a career out of this like I have strived for to improve my situation and get the hell out of this shithole town.

Being realistic, I'm not going to have people suddenly following me and watching my streams and YouTube videos left and right, nor am I going to have a lot of people subbing to me through my Streamloots page.

My community is still going to be a shadow of what it was though I'm still going to continue to try and rebuild as I have been all this time.

Most of those who were once a part of my community still won't be around, that girl who to this day still means the world to me will still be just happy memories instead of a happier reality I get to spend with her as much as I wish it could all be different, even if just one more day with them.

My viewership is still going to be suffering, and I'm going to still be dealing with being cast out by those who either won't read any of this to see the truth or who will and yet will still cast me out regardless for whatever reason, including just refusing to acknowledge that I'm innocent.

But at the very least I've put my side of this whole fucked up situation out there regardless of who listens or not so that I can keep trying to move forward and rebuild the best I can, because I'm not a quitter even though at times I've come close.

At least I hopefully gave some hope and motivation to others who have gone through cyberstalking and gaslighting like I have so they can speak up, try to clear their name, and pursue the life they deserve.

At least I can say that the community I had did exist.

That I had good times with those friends (who I do miss) and to have a chance to love that girl (who I also miss).

And at least I can say that my viewers then took a chance on me and at one point almost got me where I needed to be for partnership on Mixer before the site went under (though in the end maybe its for the better that such didn't happen even though that's still a community I could of taken with me elsewhere).

The community I used to have? It was called The Masquerade, and yea its been dead for a while.

But this was me giving a reminder of what that community was about.

A person taking their mask off and not being afraid to put their heart out there and be who they are.

And this was also about showing what happens when you try to gaslight someone but can't contain the inferno that manifests, even if it ends up being a slow burn that ignites the sky unexpectedly through a spark you thought had been snuffed out long ago.

With that said, The Masquerade was never about going after people and contrary to who thinks what? It never has been.

But I do want to say this to CanadianKittieKat, iPawsKat, or whatever you call yourself now.

You tried to destroy something I've worked hard at with my primary drive behind livestreaming being that its quite possibly the only chance I have at a better life for myself.

You went after people I cared about who had NOTHING to do with this with no care about their well being like you tried to pretend, instead only wanting to use them to try and hurt me and make yourself look like a decent human being.

And you spearheaded lies about me trying to get someone to kill themselves after I myself not only have struggled with such thoughts and tendencies in my life, but after I had just lost a close friend to suicide.

But one thing you didn't do was break me though you came very close. You made my life hell and you caused me to lose so much in such a small amount of time, but one thing you didn't take from me was my drive to keep going and to quote you? Be stronger, against people like YOU given that contrary to what you try to play off? You're the very bully you tried to call me.

You're no advocate for ANYONE'S mental health and instead a horrible soul who finds mental vulnerabilities in people to exploit, as you tried to do with me thinking I was weak and would fall apart under the pressure you and those sided with you put on me.

And what I really do believe after all this and seeing how you've worked is that you're a leech who latches on to a streamer to get close to them and their community, and then once you've got what you want such as maybe a few follows from those within that community or at the very least their trust? You bleed that streamer dry as you try to turn those they care about against them, lying about them to other content creators with claims that they were talking about them and acting like you were looking out for someone who is actually your next target to prey on.

Be that the case or not, you preyed on the wrong one and this has been me showing why I tend to isolate myself when I'm genuinely pissed off with someone, because I say cruel things when I get to a point where I stop pulling my punches, though I've been suppressing this anger for years. In my D&D campaign and the book I'm writing, my characters in both have shown a habit of being terrifying when they're angry. That's another part of me that I put into the story.

I could of brought all this out at any time but again I didn't want to hurt anyone even though you've deserved NO kindness from me for what you've done, though I will admit that there's been plenty of times these past few years that I hoped that with you knowing that I had evidence of you in your own words admitting that you had sent people to attack me, that you lived in the same fear you tried to put on me and others. That I would at some point come out with it but hoping that I would be too friendly and too good a person to do so.

There's a saying. Don't mistake one's kindness for weakness, and so I truly do hope that fear is something you feel if you ever read this.

Take all this as a sign that maybe you should never attack anyone else again and to learn how to get all sides of a situation as well assuming its something you should be involving yourself in anyway.

But as made evident, pulling that one side to the story bullshit is a good way to make yourself look stupid when you make assumptions about what someone said without being there and without knowing that they have proof of what was actually said to shut down your claims, which is exactly what happened in this blog.

Again, no one told anyone to commit suicide and the backlash from that whole ordeal was because me and my mod refused to yield when excuses were made for people blatantly coming by my channel and trying to cause problems.

THAT is why I said "I'm not worried about it" on the night you were exposed for having people set up shop in my channel. Because I not only had what was said saved to discount your claims of me being the one cyberbullying (while showing Waldo was the one threatening us) but also had plenty on hand to expose you yourself as the one doing the harassment while leading a mob against me.

You don't deserve success, you don't deserve to be on any stream team, and you damn sure don't deserve a place in the stream community for the things you've done to try and destroy other's dreams. As I've said, I'm not about going after people, but I truly hope with this being put out there that word does get around about the things you've done and you lose any success you've had and YOUR name ends up being the one shunned in the stream community.

Because I want you to know what its like to be afraid to enter any streamer's chat and try to talk out of worry of it being made obvious by them and their mods that you aren't welcome due to what's been going around about you, assuming they haven't already banned you.

I want you to feel what its like to go live day after day, week after week and face constant dead air and little to no viewers as a reminder of your channel being a shadow of what it was all because hardly anyone wants anything to do with you.

And overall I hope that your reputation gets ruined to the point that YOU quit streaming because you go through the pain I've felt these past few years.

Because you can rebrand all you want to dodge the harm you've caused others and you can block whoever you want while you hide behind your alts to spy on them, but that doesn't erase what you did nor can you change your face or the fact that while I have my flaws and mistakes I've had to learn from, at least compared to you constantly stabbing people in the back to get ahead and then acting like you're a fucking saint? I've busted my ass to try and earn my way.

What I did have before you brought everything crashing down? It wasn't a whole lot no, but what I did have came from hard work and putting my personality out there compared to you taking shortcuts and throwing people under the bus because you know that who you truly are as shown here is someone that no one with a shred of decency would support because of how horrible of a person you are. Again I'm not perfect and have done things in my life that I regret, but at least I'm me and you nor anyone else decides who the hell I am.

And since I know you'd likely take this route as an excuse, whatever trauma you endured in your past is NO excuse to be so heartless so save it, especially given you want to disregard what others have gone through without knowing their life story and yet have the fucking audacity to compare your trauma to theirs and just decide their trauma isn't as bad as yours?

That's not how it works so don't act like an expert on anyone's mental health struggles when you haven't lived what they have to understand how it affects them.

Because in the end the only mental health you are an advocate for is your own.

Now, given everything I've brought to light including you trailing me to Twitch, which given I had you blocked on everything? It means you were still coming after me, once again being the very stalker yourself that you called me crazy over in regards to speaking out on others doing the same, I'm relatively sure you've continued to bring my name up or keep tabs on me in some capacity.

The lies.

You playing victim when you're actually the bully.

And all the pain you've caused.

Its all out here now and I truly hope that you reap what you sow from it.

And given I have more than what I showed here in regards to others stating that you did similar things to them in regards to gaslighting? I think its best that you stay away from me and my channel and never contact anyone involved with me again considering that unlike your claimed "9 pages of evidence" you had on me? I've shown that I can back up my claims.

I started this off talking about my favorite movie so here's a song about that movie that I feel is very fitting to all this.

'You can't save yourself or save your soul, when meet the man who's life you stole'

Though this is me attempting to take my life back.

Thank you to those who read all this and who have supported me.