Pain and Resolve (My Life Story)

Pain is a bully stabbing you in the ear with a pencil in Elementary school, leading to slight hearing loss in your left ear.

Resolve is continuing to show up for class and study, not only becoming a spelling champion for your grade that year, but also being tested as having a 9th grade reading level in 2nd grade.

Pain is getting bit by a rattlesnake at 10 years old and ending up hospitalized because of it due to physical health issues you had at the time and having to not only miss school for weeks, but also have to get around with a wheelchair for that period before going back to school for one day, only to have another student keep kicking your leg down from a chair even after you told them that you had to have it elevated. Following this you're told you missed enough days of school to fail that grade.

Resolve is getting homeschooled after until a point where your family couldn't afford it anymore so you spend hours everyday at the library for a few years studying books on the subjects you were missing out on just so you can take your GED test five times, failing each time due to a learning deficiency in math, and then finally passing after spending three months walking four miles in 90 to 100 degrees to and back from class five days a week and studying your ass off, regardless of having arthritis and almost passing out at times. The end result being what few members of your family you claim crying in the crowd while you graduate on stage.

Pain is having not only aforementioned physical health issues (some of which almost killed you at child birth and for years caused things such as coughing up blood) and respiratory issues that not only kept you from being able to play outside for more than a few minutes without needing a breathing treatment or other forms of medicine, but being a target for bullying from your extended family at family reunions because of (among other things) how frail you are with some of them even intentionally spreading false information around town about your illnesses during your teenage years (while recently acting friendly when they saw you as if they didn't make your life hell when you were younger from doing such with one particular illness).

Resolve is overcoming most of those physical health issues and adamantly going to the gym to where though far from 100 percent? You're still in much better shape than many of those family members who shunned you while remembering the very few that are worth giving a damn about, namely a cousin who is very important to you that lives in Tennessee that you'd give anything to see more.

Pain is an abusive uncle three times your size who took advantage of that frailty to attack you every time he came over with you being too scared to tell your mother why you were bruised up, instead telling her that you fell or just had a nosebleed from allergies, this same uncle almost drowning you one day while you were swimming at your cousin's house (that cousin being one of the few family members that actually accepted you before she died from diabetes) and also being the same uncle that almost detached your mother's retina by hitting her in the eye with a steel toe boot (before going around and bragging about it) and who tried to force himself on a girl he knew you were in a relationship with.

Resolve is headbutting that uncle in the nose one day while he was trying to choke you and for once giving him a nosebleed in return (With him throwing you down and trying to break your hand by stepping on it in the process), working out and bulking up from your teens into your twenties to where he is actually threatened by you after you tell him you're coming for him for what he did to your mother and tried to do to your girlfriend. Not long ago I read a chapter of the book I'm writing on a livestream where one of the main characters defeated a golem named Stonewall. I based Stonewall on my uncle out of hatred and how much of a monster I see him as with him being defeated being a metaphor for me standing up to my uncle's abuse and fighting back.

Pain is the aunt you live with adopting her granddaughter who makes your life hell everyday by coming into your room and breaking your toys, snapping your Playstation games in half, knocking your cups off your bedside desk whenever you get something to drink, and throwing stuff at you (at one point giving you a black eye after hitting you with a VHS tape). Whenever you try to defend yourself? She lies and says you hit her and your aunt believes her. You lock the door so she can't come in and mess with you? Your aunt scolds you for not letting her in the room. You show your aunt the black eye or one of the games that was snapped in two? She answers with "you shouldn't have been picking at her". Then one day while outside she intentionally tries to run into the road and after you grab her by her shirt and neck to stop her from getting hit by a car? Your aunt sees the places on her neck and accuses you of trying to strangle her, telling your mother that you're evil while claiming she "saw everything from the kitchen window" when if she was looking she would of seen you save her grandaughter's life with an obvious loophole there being that if she saw what she claimed to see then why didn't she come out and try to stop you?

Resolve is knowing that if I ever have kids I'm going to be dedicated to making sure they never grow up to be anywhere near as cruel.

Pain is that same aunt taking you hundreds of miles away from your home and your uncle (her husband and the closest thing to a father you had compared to those in your family that treated you like shit) to spend a few weeks with a man she made you believe was another uncle when in reality? It was someone she was having an affair with. This individual also physically abuses you and at one point due to one of your physical illnesses, threatens to put your head on a chopping block. Your aunt watches and laughs while you're crying in fear of your life.

Resolve is finding out that monster died in a house fire last year (2021) with your only words to your aunt in reply being (and I have no regret in saying this as much as I wish death on no one) "I hope he suffered".

Pain is years of harassment you've suffered from people in the town you live in just because of how you look, harassment that at times has gotten dangerous with you having multiple scars on your back, stomach, and arms from it. Multiple times you've found groups of "friends" to hang out with only to have them start making jokes at your expense whenever you meet up, never invite you to anything, and ignore your calls and texts with you finding out the hard way that they've been talking behind your back. Yet these same 'friends' come to you just fine when they need something for you.

Resolve is getting back up every time you've gotten hurt and pushing onward even though its hard because you know you're too good for this town, and while some of those in question who've fucked with you are busy getting high in parking lots while showing off the shitty underlights on their small dick energy fueled trucks? You've written 600+ pages to a book, livestreamed with a few thousand dollars raised for charity along the way, and you keep aspirations to be about a life outside of this town while also looking back and realizing that you're better off without those supposed "friends" compared to the true friends you've found in the stream community even if few.

Pain is an ex girlfriend who you dated for only a week several years ago but ended it with because of how possessive she was and who ever since then has had an obsession with you. She follows you on any social media account you create to the extent that she stalks you on your livestreams (even claiming she livestreams herself). She tries constantly to send friend requests and messages to people you're friends with and girl's you've been involved with in the past (even after they've denied her requests several times) which has cost you friendships and relationships hence why you're more private about such things. She also takes screencaps of several of your posts across Instagram and Twitter (knowing you won't make your accounts private due to wanting to network for your livestreams and thus using alts or logging out to dodge you blocking her) and sends them via email to your family as well as current and former friends saying she'll always support you, even though you have messaged her countless times saying you want nothing to do with her while also threatening to go to the police.

Resolve is knowing that even if the relationships didn't last, you've met and dated girls who actually weren't toxic compared to her.

Pain is going to a church in your town for four years and being treated like an outcast by most people there, including the youth director's daughter who constantly acts snobby towards you and even goes as far as throwing away multiple composition books that you had completely filled up with poetry and short stories written by hand after believing them when they expressed interest in taking your work home to read.

Resolve is finding a mentor at that church that sees your writing potential and gets you to come out of your shell to where he asks you write a play that not only gets used for the Christmas program that year, but kids in the audience love it. This mentor becomes one of your best friends and never once judges you when you come into church with cuts on your arms that you try to hide nor questions you when you say you fell down a hill or a cat scratched you compared to those there who saw you as a freak and a bad influence on the children at the church (with those kids actually being some of the few others at the church who were nice to you and made you feel accepted).

Pain is waking up one day to your mother telling you that this mentor was killed the previous night in what the police called a "botched robbery" with you becoming more isolated from everyone each time you come to church after due to mourning his death. All the while, others there tell you to "move on" and that "he's gone to a better place" which not only pisses you off because its insensitive, but you're thinking not just about his death but his two children who had just lost their mother to breast cancer fairly recently also and so now they'd lost both parents, not even wanting to imagine those kids being woken up to the news that their father had just been killed given how devastating it had been to you. In the meantime, one of those responsible gets to walk free a few years after and you're left with no faith in any loving god that would let something so horrible happen to someone that was so dedicated to his own religion as well as being so compassionate to everyone around him.

Resolve is spending years trying to will yourself to finish the book that you had started not long before your mentor died not only because he believed in you, but because you put something in memory of him in the story (John Kendrick aka the headmaster of the school is a character dedicated to him) even though you don't know if you'll ever complete it.

Pain is self harming for 13 years and coming close to suicide 9 times due to a combination of not only the mental and physical abuse you suffered from your family, "friends", your aunt's lover and denizens of the town you live in, but also struggles with your mental health conditions (namely depression, bipolar disorder, and PTSD) and mourning the loss of your mentor. Along the way you have yourself committed to a mental health facility for a short while because of it. With all this comes judgment and shunning from more people (especially in the streaming community) who think it's as easy as "being happy", "posting only positive things on social media", "not dwelling on the negative" or "growing up" when they don't have any idea what you've been through and how hard you've been fighting to be better.

Resolve is waking up one day and quitting cutting yourself through an extreme amount of willpower and admitting you need help, so you find a psychiatrist and work to put that part of your life behind you (even though you still struggle with keeping yourself from relapsing) and having a few people in your time livestreaming tell you that your streams helped them through their own tough shit and kept them from ending their own lives due to feeling accepted (be it if they were serious or not, I take it seriously because I know what its like to have people not care)

Pain is your grandmother dying and you not getting a chance to mourn because you're too busy defending your mother from her siblings who've chose her as a target, because while one daughter was constantly getting high states away and never much called and another drove by your grandmother's house every day but never stopped due to putting her boyfriend's needs and her own alcoholism first? Your mother was there for your grandmother as much as she could be and they know they fucked up but don't want to take the blame. All this is added to by that same abusive uncle threatening to damage your mother's eye again and one of those two other siblings threatening to come down and stab her.

Resolve is messaging your uncle and telling him that he's not going to lay a hand on your mother because you're no longer that frail and sick child he used to bully and thus won't see an issue with bloodying more than his nose if he tries anything, as well as not only calling the aunt that threatened to stab your mother and putting her in her place, but shutting up her boyfriend after he calls back and attempts to threaten you. Following this, none of them have threatened your mother since.

Pain is raising $1000 for Extra Life, only for someone you had trusted to try and gaslight you and organize a group to mob cyberstalk you only a week after you reached your charity goals, all because you had defended yourself against some bigger names on Mixer who had been stalking you, and so they go around telling streamers you never even spoke to that you've been talking about them as well as spreading rumors that you had tried to get someone to commit suicide when not only are you a former cutter that suffers from mental illness and was once suicidal yourself, but you had just lost one of your closest friends of over a decade to suicide just a few months prior. People believe what this person and their community says without hearing your side, members of the community you tried to build start turning on you, and in the few years since then you have a fear of networking and have struggled to rebuild what you lost while ceasing all charity streams and coming close to suicide yourself.

Resolve is feeling like giving up many times over but continuing on in hopes that you'll get back where you need to be even though it feels like you're carrying a huge weight on your back with barely any community and your hopes for support ignored, possibly due to irreparable damage done to your name even though you collected plenty of screenshots to disprove what was said with everything explained in a blog. Along the way you also start pushing yourself to improve and begin to see growth on your YouTube channel in ways you never had before with you coming very close to the requirements for YouTube partnership.

Pain is falling for a girl that you met not long after you started streaming, getting closer to her than you ever thought you would, seeing her as the best thing to ever happen to you and wishing every day that you could have her next to you, then fucking everything up, partially due to how bad of a place your mind is in from the aforementioned mob cyberstalking.

Resolve is holding out hope that one day you'll hear from her again and that you'll get a chance to make things right with her and apologize, though at the same time coming to terms with the fact that maybe its time to let go.

Pain is having someone you met in your time haunt acting spread rumors about you to try and get you kicked from a haunted trail you've called home while also turning people you cared about against you, pushing you to a point that you not only almost quit haunt acting but once again consider suicide (with it all being basically what you went through when you were mob cyberstalked), even going as far as to make claims that he saved your life by forcing you to be admitted to a mental hospital, trying to make himself look like a hero at your expense.

Resolve is karma catching up to him in the form of him getting kicked from the scene he worked at the trail, having to watch the scene he had been kicked from win a top 3 award in a voting contest for one of the scariest scenes, and then have to see you step up on a stage and accept a reward for the number 1 rated scene at the haunt that year. Following this after he tries to harass you once more you step up to him with all the dirt you had on him including messages he sent trying to proposition you for sexual favors in an illegal manner.

Pain is stating to those around you including your friends that you've felt at a low point at multiple occasions and no one much answers, leaving you to endure it with no one much to depend during recent events such as someone trying to break into your house, losing yet another friend to suicide, and at a few points having suicidal thoughts again yourself (Though you're too strong to ever try and act on them like you used to).

Resolve is remembering how far you've come and the few who have answered in concern compared to the many who've read your posts on social media but fell silent or chastised you.

Pain is being stuck in the shithole town you hate because you can't work nor drive due to your mental conditions, hence why you've put so much dedication into livestreaming because it's something you feel you're good at that could be a career even though it feels like you'll never get anywhere, namely with your name tarnished and a lack of the support system you once had especially given hardly any of your irl friends or family back you in your pursuits.

Resolve is hoping and continuing to fight for the chance to properly get your foot in the door and have your hard work pay off so that you can afford to move and be free somewhere that you're happy and at peace.

Pain is waking up every day feeling useless due to your disabilities because your mother is in her 60's and walks back and forth from work every day to provide for you both because your father walked out when you were born, all while you continuously wish that you could be paying her bills for her. Instead you get denied multiple times for SSI due to people who don't even know what its like to struggle like you have with mental conditions telling you that you aren't disabled. This includes recently after waiting for a court hearing since 2018 with delays due to the pandemic and then getting turned down because they refused to use your doctor's records, yet they rely on a doctor employed by them who was bias and lied about both your diagnosis (which they came up with in a one off visit that lasted less than 30 minutes) and things you said that they twisted around. Its also not helped by learning that your own doctor never worked with your lawyer like he claimed he did.

Resolve is ditching that doctor and holding out hope that you'll find one that truly supports you.

Pain is having thousands of dollars of damage in your mouth to where again, due to not being able to work to afford dental insurance? Prior to a few months ago you haven't been to a proper dentist since you were a child which translates to several root canals, fillings, and extractions needed so you can eat comfortably and sleep without waking up in the middle of the night from the pain.

Resolve is telling myself that if I do get on SSI the first priority will be getting my teeth fixed.

In all, a lot of what I've endured as spoken of above? No one much has known about it until now, and even still, its not everything, not even close given only so much can be expressed through text vs hands on experience.

All the loss, betrayal, belittlement, abuse, it's left a lot of trauma on my mind that I still haven't recovered from and likely never will. So to those who've seen it as a matter of "just be happy" or "grow up" as if it's that easy? It's not, and I challenge you to go through even a fraction of what I have and even feel remotely ok after yet still find at least some strength to smile.

I've had people tell me "it could be worse" when they've seen me at a store or on the street and I have a frown on my face while looking at the ground as I walk. They're right but that doesn't mean that what I've endured hasn't been taxing on me namely given it's all added up. Yea it could be worse but it could also be much better.

I keep going and keep pushing myself in hopes that it'll just be a matter of time before something changes and I achieve at least some of my goals. It feels like it gets harder every day, namely given I've felt overwhelmed and alone in so much but I'd rather it be harder from trying than to be impossible from not putting any effort in at all.

Whenever I stream and I make wisecracks and smile? If you've read this then you know now just how much is hidden behind my jokes and why I like trying to make people laugh.

When I've tried to help people out through my streaming guides I've posted on this website, stopping my streams midway to offer a shoulder to someone, messaging someone when it seemed like they were in need even if just a simple "you ok?", it's because of the life I've lived where I know what its like to be someone people won't reach out to, and I just don't like sitting back knowing I could at least try and be there for someone even if most people don't give me the time of day.

I've said at time that I felt like I was done streaming, ready to call it quits.

But as slim of a chance as my goals and dreams may have? Its better than the 0% chance that comes with quitting.

It's been hard trying to rebuild after the cyberstalking and gaslighting situations, but at the same time I don't want nor need the support of people who take one side without hearing both ends let alone walk out even though they supposedly knew first hand who I was compared to some half assed rumors without substance.

I can only keep trying to rebuild with people who believe in me and have taken the time to truly know me while along the way hopefully meeting new people that'll stick by me.

I'm not perfect, my mind has suffered a lot of damage, lately especially, and I have multiple invisible illnesses that sadly there is a lot of stigma towards with people constantly telling me to just be happy.

Believe me, there's more than just words I'm trying much harder than anyone thinks or sees to do something about everything I'm dealing with given not all of my existence is defined by social media and status posts where I've vented out how I've felt, especially compared to how I used to be back when I spent every day of my life wanting to die, at times looking over the side of a bridge or holding a handful of pills.

I have a long way to go, but those who've only known me recently have no idea how far I've come when I used to be much worse off.

That's all I want to say here, thank you to those who read this.